I'm so tired of dark nights of the soul......
Six months ago I was on fire. I felt like I could do anything, go anywhere, be who I am. But lately, I feel like I've been back-sliding a bit. Slipping into old bad habits. Drinking. Craving smokes. Eating crap. And most importantly, I've been closing myself off to other people. Not asking for help, or attention, like I don't think I deserve it or something. In my old life, it was a requirement for me to not make anyone worry. If someone asked me how I'm doing, "Fine" would be the only answer. Meanwhile, everyone who cared about me could see I was depressed for, oh, a decade. Six months ago, I felt like I had a cheering squad around me. I don't know if I needed it at the time but, boy, did it feel good. I asked for help, and I got it, and I am forever grateful for that. All the parts of myself I had demarcated (fun chick for my friends/ patient, no-expectation, low-maintenance wife/ happy go-lucky daughter) all joined up together and for the first time I felt like myself. Does that make sense? I, for whatever reason, used to feel like there were certain acceptable roles to play with each important person in my life, and to deviate from that role would make people worry. Would make me a high-maintenence bitch. Would mean I was crazy, or "not thinking clearly". I was very "Me? Oh, I'm fine. Just ignore the pink elephant in the room..."
Asking for what I want is so fucking hard. Six months ago, I demanded what I wanted, and I more-or-less got it. Maybe I'm afraid that next time, I won't. That's gonna hurt, but I KNOW it's better than not asking. I know I deserve what I want, intellectually, but deep in my gut I'm still struggling with that.
I need to get at least SOME of that energy back. And rock this crazy planet.
Oh, if you see me on the street, make sure you reeeeealy want to know how I'm doing before you ask.
1 comment:
*I* always wanna know how you're doing, and I do worry about you, but know you'll be fine.
If that makes any sense.
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