A lot of things on my mind...

I woke up a bit depressed this morning. I spent YEARS waking up depressed EVERY morning. I would lie there and think "What's the point in getting up?" After realizing I felt depressed, and that it's been MONTHS since I felt this way, it immediately made me feel better. Now I can just look at what's bumming me out. Maybe I just need more sleep...or to step-up the game plan more. I think it has something to do with that.

I've been thinking a lot about writing. I've never really written anything before, so my "inner critic" comes on blazing. "What the fuck do YOU have to write about? You don't even know how"...etc, etc. I want to write a play. What about? Anger. But with laughs.

Also been thinking about "expectations", or "living without expectations". A concept introduced to me by a friend. Well, that's not totally true. Over the past several months, some of the most "clear" and honest moments I've had have been the moments where I had no expectations, so I have some experience with that. But I've also had some experiences where I knew, or expected, how some folks would respond to certain things, so that required compassion. It, like everything, is a balance.

I have some wants. I don't know ALL of them yet, because I don't fully know myself yet. No, I'm not a follower of EST. This is very simple, basic shit. I have "flaws". I'm a worry-wart. Sometimes over-sensitive. I ask "why?" a lot. Well, I actually like that about myself. Bad example. I'm a smart-ass. Can be TOO self-protective.
But I have a lot to offer those I care about, and I want that to be respected. Appreciated. Even while being told to fuck off, I can feel when I'm being appreciated, or not. And if I'm not, I'm hurt. Does this mean I "expect" respect for who I am? Maybe. But I haven't really been able to wrap my head around the concept of "expecting nothing".

I think what it really comes down to is that I'm "in a place"(as the touchy-feely types say) of needing reassurance. Not for everything. I offer compassion and empathy. I think I need a little right now to head my way. I'm only human.