I'm feeling a little oogie today.
Ya know....oogie. Weird. Not in my head. Probably because I have an audition today and one tomorrow. Yes, I know! I'm an actor! Every audition is just another chance at performance! Blah blah blah....but they still make me antsy. I dunno...if I'm NOT antsy, I give a phoning-it-in performance. Bleh. But I hate the FEELING of antsy. Barfy-guts shaky. Must EMBRACE antsy. Nice antsy....good antsy...you look very pretty today, antsy......
Or it could be that ANY contact with my husband reminds me that I may be ignoring stuff that HAS to be taken care of in that area. Obligations vs. me just living my life. Some stuff has to be put to bed, as best as I can anyway. I don't just mean filing papers, etc.
Now, I don't need an avalanche of comments from my fucking awesome, rock-on friends (I love all of you) reminding me that I "don't owe anyone anything" or "am responsible only to myself". Yes. I know that. I do. But, I am "responsible" for ending my marriage and putting a very good guy who I care about through living hell. I do feel a "responsibility"(for lack of a better word) to not add more pain. This IS a responsibility to myself. And some bare minimum requirements from him that don't COST ME anything, I CAN do. So what that I shoot him an email to tell him I'm going to be somewhere he may be, so HE can leave? That doesn't cost me anything. I'm not asking, I'm telling.
I got an email from my father-in-law on New Years Eve. I haven't replied. Mostly because I know that ANYTHING I try to explain will NOT be understood, and will be challenged. Am I afraid of that challenge? Or do I just NOT feel like justifying my actions, so fuck it? Bit of both, I suspect.
Bring on the avalanche, those-who-call-bullshit. Two of you in particular come to mind.....
Of course, I could be feeling weird because I've had a head-cold for TWO WEEKS.
Or, I may be feeling oogie because I could FRY A FRICKEN' EGG on my floor.
2 comments:
Well; of course you have responsibility to yourself to be the person you want to be; and of course there's no problem with letting someone who may be caused pain that you're going to be somewhere. To give warning isn't caretaking at a loss to who you are; it's allowing him to be the agent of his own caretaking and treating both of you like responsible adults.
Otherwise, what needs to be put to bed, excepting papers? Is it that you're seeking (& let me apologize for the word) *closure*? If that's the case, I'd suggest that closure is something that you & your ex cannot give to one another. Each of you must find your own way. He can't offer forgiveness. You cannot offer explanation that will help him - (unless he specifically requests it, I think).
As for the X-Fil? Getting into an email battle with X-FiL will not help anyone feel better: my sense is that you'd might get a laundry list of how you've got to re-examine yourself and your priorities. With the question begged - "What makes him think he knows?" I'm not envisioning an email from the father-in-law in question that says "I'm hurt by your actions and you hurt my son's and made me angry", which might be a true statement of his position. Even if it was, what the hell can you do about it? There is again not much you can do to help his grief/anger process. Mea culpas don't help anybody, especially since what you did was NEEDED for you.
Imagine it like a Catholic church confessional. You cannot confess and redeem sins that you intend to do some more or continue doing. If your sin is leaving, there is no act of contrition you can do to make it better. So, you can either 1) interpret your life as sin, which just gives you guilt and does not change your behaviour, or 2) decide that there is no sin.
That's why I wouldn't respond to the New Year's email. There is no sin in being who you need to be, and no one to whom you owe contrition or explanation.
uh....all I can say is thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
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