For the past month or so, I've been feeling really tired. I've sat in rehearsal and, instead of being attentive and excited, I"d find myself looking at my watch. I've finally got an agent and should be all "Yeah!" about that, but instead have been feeling kind of "..big whoop". Well, that's a slight exaggeration. Back in November, Arwen did a tarot reading that said I was "on fire", but that I would eventually get tired. I think that's what's been going on. It's been kinda nice, sitting around eating comfort food, watching movies and drinking beer, but I have to get my balls rolling again. Heh. I said balls. Focus. What do I want? If I have to get myself out of this state just through sheer force of will, so be it.
Came home from a lovely slacker morning to a messy bed-sit, so I cleaned. Feel better already. That always seems the best way to start. I'm trying to encourage my neat-nick side...uphill battle, though. I just LOVE to create piles of crap. It's an art form.
Really, I think what's been going on has been me trying to gain some sense of balance between who I am and who I was. I haven't gone through a total and complete transformation. Some things are the same. My sense of humour. My sense of fairness. What IS new is being able to express. I used to be very, very neutral. That's useful to keep an open mind, but not when it makes me swallow back my passion. I'm a passionate broad, turns out. Which means that occasionately, I'm going to be unreasonable. Short-fused, even. That goes against how I was raised. Still feels like I'm breaking some rules but, oh well.....fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
I left my marriage because I was living a life I didn't want. I want a passionate life. Up until 8 months ago, I felt like I'd been ....waiting. Can't do THAT anymore. Don't want to do that anymore. Not doing that anymore. This doesn't mean I want drama. Drama feels fake. I want passion. That's real.
No comments:
Post a Comment