Timidity blows donkeys.

It's been an interesting lifestyle switch these past several months. Going from safe, "I know what I'll be doing 6 months from now" drudgery to "I have no fucking clue what I'll be doing NEXT WEEK". The first little while led to a few anxiety attacks. Just getting used to the feeling. My "life-style change" WAS a little, shall we say, abrupt. There's a way one is SUPPOSED to live one's life, isn't there? Be sensible! When I think of how I used to feel getting up in the morning..... going to jobs I hated. Not being able to fully express myself. Sometimes I could barely speak to people. Could barely talk, for chrissakes. A million little blocks that led to full-on psychic-constipation and a great big side helping of FEAR. Big, fat FEAR. FEAR was my middle name. FEAR was my best buddy. FEAR kept me safe. Don't have to demand what you want and be rejected when ya got FEAR by your side. FEAR doesn't make anyone feel uncomfortable or threatened. You don't find yourself in a fight when you're escorted by FEAR wherever you go. FEAR is the ultimate body-guard. FEAR is fresh smelling. FEAR passes the savings on to you....

Fuck you, FEAR.

Damn. When I think of how I felt a year ago. Five years ago. Ten years ago. Just day to day. Living in this skin. Compared to now.....allow me to reiterate,

Fuck you, Fear.

Not that I walk around completely fearless all the time. Not yet, anyway. Still the occasional hiccup. But, do I ever sense when I feel FEAR coming by for a visit. Sometimes I don't recognize it at first, but I've had a LOT of experience feeling it's presence. Usually FEAR announces it's presence when I find myself thinking, "Yeah, that's something I should do, but I'll get on that later..."Heh. "Later..." Hahahahaha...

A couple of years ago, I was at a Xmas party at my acting school, and fell into conversation with a local actor/writer that I'm a big fan of. I said something about agent-hunting(how many years ago was this? There you go. "Later") and he said, "Agents are full of shit. Don't let them get you down. The secret is success as an actor is ABSOLUTELY BELIEVING IN YOURSELF AND YOUR ABILITIES NO MATTER WHAT". I remember being kind of blown away and intimidated by his confidence and the absolute certainty with which he said this. He TRULY believed it.
The guy was right. For a long time-hell, forever- I didn't REALLY believe it about myself. The middle-ground seems to be believing that you have something to offer, while not becoming complacent with what that is. Always improving, but without beating the shit out of yourself if something fails. You can't try out new shit if you are afraid that it will fail. Actors are GUARANTEED to occasionally suck, even the great ones. GUARANTEED.
I believe that to "make it" as an actor you need, even more than talent, you need balls.

Balls. Or a big clit, to be gender-specific.

Of course, a heaping side-dish of luck also helps. Clit and Luck.
Wasn't that a comedy duo from the 30's?

Anyhoo.....rehearsals for the play are fun. I have to watch my over-analytical brain. I think I basically nailed this character during the audition. Just need to refine.
I had a good day Tuesday. Shot another sketch for the T.V. show, then went to play rehearsal, as opposed to went to my shitty-depressing-underpaid retail gig, then came home and smoked a pack of cigs and got drunk.
It's amazing. The changes......

Fuck you, fear.

When the world is your oyster, you can be overwhelmed with the possible choices. I've discovered that I can do whatever I want. Yikes....What exactly do I want. What I exactly do I want to do? Do I even want to live here? Where else? Travel? To where?

Easy, girl....one day at a time.