I'm a bum.

Just woke up from a nap. I don't know what my problem is. I have shit to do. I just can't be bothered. Change in the weather? A crooked spoke in my menstrual cycle? I have lines to memorize, but I'm reading a novel instead. Whatta bum....Thank Christ I don't have cable, or I'd never leave my bed.

Could be that I'm going bankrupt on Tuesday. There, I said it. There's a whole blanket of shame surrounding that decision, let me tell you. I wasn't going to blog about it, but screw that. I don't want to hide anymore. Bankrupt. Jeez...I'm a loserfuck-upwankingshitheaddorkbigbabyboohoo.
Now I feel better.

I wracked up a big Visa bill. To pay them back would be to hand over my life. To pay them back would mean I would have to go get a JOB-job and not be able to pursue my dreams. To pay them back would take LONGER than the 6 years the bankruptcy will appear on my credit rating. To pay them back would mean I would have to go back to living my life how I used to.

I am deeply ashamed at how I got myself into this hole. Yeah, I used the card for big stuff like dental work, acting classes, emergencies. But I mostly used it to buy myself crap to make myself feel better. Nothing big. A case of beer. A night out. An opportunity for an experience. Something pretty to get a bounce in my step when I didn't have the balls to get it another way. I worked crap-paying, low-responsibility jobs that I didn't have to bring home with me because I didn't have the balls to pursue what I wanted. Because what I wanted had to be wrong, right? Where did I get off wanting to do what makes me happy when that IS NOT what life is about. Life is disappointment. In life, you make due. Happiness is a luxury that people luck into. Life IS TO BE STUCK. Working these jobs meant sometimes I was short on rent. Thank God for credit cards to help make THAT up. It took 12 years to wrack up my bill. I'm not spending the same amount of time paying it back. Besides, with interest and service charges on top of the barely-over minimum payments I've made to them over the years, I've already coughed up what I've taken. So, fuck'em. Ironically, before I stopped paying them last fall, my credit rating was stellar. They LOVE clients like me!
How it works is, I pay the trustee(yes, you have to pay to go broke. hahaha...) $250 to get the ball rolling, then it's $179 a month for eight more months, how long the bankruptcy is active and on the books. I report all profit and expenditures to him, he deals with paperwork and the bank.
Then, if I've fulfilled all that is expected of me, the bankruptcy is taken "off the books" and I've got my fresh start.
Of course, there's the shit-kicking to my credit rating. How to rebuild that is to apply for small credit cards at stores, eg. Canadian Tire and the like, pray they give me one, and use it for wee purchases which I repay promptly, slowly rebuilding credit. I'm just worried how a lack of credit card will screw me. I can still travel, right? I suppose reserving hotels and stuff will be a problem. I'll worry about that when I come to it.

This is actually taking responsibility, and not running from it. And, if Lorne-fricken'-Mayencourt can do it, twice, why can't I? And, I can do it without punching homeless people! Maybe.....

A fresh start. It feels so good to ponder. A fresh start....while a lot smarter and more myself.
Fuck you, FEAR.