Home again....

I'm back in my bed-sit. It's nice to sleep in my own bed, but I've been feeling weird today. Like I'm home-sick. But I'm home, so what's THAT about? Just...feeling a little blue.

I made a first attempt to fill out my divorce papers today, to have them ready for when I FINALLY get paid for the commercial. I HATE government forms!!!! You should see me when I do my taxes. And I can't even chain-smoke while doing them.....poop. I seem to have replaced smoking with incessant nail-biting and, over the last week, semi-constant snacking. That's probably due to the influence of all of the Food Network I was watching. Just call me Snacky McSnacker...

I feel ....edgy. No, that's not the word. I'm too tired for "edgy". Hmmmm....

Let's face it. A year ago, I was manic. It was fabulous. The "mania"(that word has such negative connotations, but I DO NOT regret it. I guess "manic-ness" is better) lasted for about 8 months or so, then it started to wane. Which HAD to happen, of course. One cannot maintain the energy required, take it from me. Now I'm left with....who I am. Tired, but much more strong, and (I hope) smarter.
The thing I miss about the manic-ness is the laser-like focus and the ABSOLUTE belief that "I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN". Well, that part of my life has taught me that I CAN make it happen. I just now have to remind myself of that, occasionally. The lack of manic-ness means that I will occasionally forget. And figuring out what I want will take a little more work.

I can understand why people with actual manic-depressive syndrome (No, I DO NOT HAVE IT! No, really..) will go off their meds. The depressive part must really suck, but the manic upswing rocks. When you are posed with the question "What do I want?", it's like being in a forest surrounded by trees that represent the possible options. When you are manic, it's like there are a bunch of neon-signs pointing to the right tree to climb.(O.k, that started out as a good analogy, but you know what I mean.) Everything becomes crystal clear. "I know what to do, and I must do it." But that "clarity" cannot last. That way lies madness.

I remember, last October, describing to someone how I felt. I said, "Ya know how, on those old maps, the unexplored parts would say HERE BE DRAGONS. Well, THAT"S WHERE I WANNA GO!".
Now? I feel like, "Dragons? Ummm....I'm into exploring the unknown, absolutely, but dragons? Well...heh.....uh......dragons? Don't they have fangs and breathe fire and stuff?".

Don't get me wrong. I'm not wimping out. I'm just feeling tired. And reconnecting to who I am without the adrenaline.

You know what I need? I need to act in something. I'm an actor. I should be acting.

Now THAT'S a tree I wanna climb........