Cheating?

I woke up yesterday morning with a virus of some kind. Achy, headache-y, blah. Feel a bit better today, though.

As I have already kvetched, I was without internet for a couple of weeks. It sucked. I didn't really realize how much I rely on it. Nevermind just the bored surfing and T.V. downloading, I also use it to job-hunt, audition-hunt, communicate with my agent, download sides for auditions, and keep up with what friends are doing via email and the dreaded Facebook.

Facebook is interesting, isn't it? It's kind of like keeping a toe dipped the the water of your friendships. Instead of actually getting it together to call or drop in on your friends, all that work, you see.....you can just check people's status, or send a "poke" or "free gift" just to let people know that you're thinking of them. The "poke" feature is fantastic for introverts. It saves you from the "Hi, how's it going? Cool....Me? Pretty good...Anything new? Nah, me neither.....Well, nice talking to you........" phone conversations. Introverts hate those conversations.
It may seem fake, but the fact of the matter is that I have sort of reignited friendships with people I haven't seen in years. Aquaintances I have always thought were really cool, but would never run into, or find myself at the same party with, or would not call because I was too shy.
That's real. And quite cool.
Of course, the people I have actual relationships with (there's a list of links to some of them to your right), I'm going to actually make the effort to see in person.
And much more often....

I've decided to start seeing a shrink. I saw a really great psychotherapist a couple of times after I "exploded my world", so to speak, but I can't afford her. I got a referral from my G.P. to see a psychologist, which means that Medical will pay for it.
I was really resisitant to see this guy. Partly because the psychotherapist was really great. It seems the difference between a psychologist and a psychotherapist is that the latter will listen to you whine, ask you good questions, and maybe make you look at things a different way, while the former will do all these things too, BUT will keep trying to diagnose you.
My shrink figures I have borderline A.D.D. I filled out a little questionnaire because he suspected it. The questionnaire was one of those ones where you answer with What Sounds Most Like YOU?
Answer:
(a)Holy shit, does that ever sound like me!
(b That sounds quite like me.
(c)Yeah, that occasionally sounds like me.
(d)I've HEARD of this before...
(e)I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

........or something like that.

Anyhoo, I answered with a lot of b's and c's, so that makes me borderline. Which means I'm totally functioning, but it will help me to be aware of certain tendencies. Tendencies like.......someone is talking to me, and my brain is formulating what I'm going to say in response, which means I've stopped listening. Yeah, sometimes I do that. Also, I have a hard time listening to instructions. Which means it's hell to play a board game with me if I haven't played it before.(That was an actual question. It REALLY rung a lot of bells. Hilarious.)

Interestingly, if I was filling out this test FOR my Dad, I would have answered a's across the board. Hereditary, anyone? Thanks, Dad. For the long legs, love of reading, tendency for sarcasm, and the ADD. That's alright. You probably weren't paying attention! Har-de-har!

I am taking this info, and giving it the attention(heh) it deserves. That came out bitter. I'm actually serious. Taking that test was actually illuminating, and explained a few things. Not in a "I'm damaged goods!" -way, or a "There's something wrong with me, and must be fixed!" -way, but in a "Ohhhh....that makes sense"-kind of way.
I have some of the symptoms of ADD. I didn't realize it. I can remember times I struggled with it, without knowing it. Now I know, so it's not such a struggle.
My "symptoms" are not a big deal.
It's just a a facet of who I am.
And that's it.

The shrink and I also discuss "being present". Sounds simple, right?
Phew......sometimes the old brain goes jumping elsewhere, let me tell ya. I've discussed to topic before, but I think I get it now.
To be able to be present....to pull my brain back from "What's gonna happen? What does this mean? What do you MEAN by that?....."
.......is SUCH a relief. It takes practice, though.
I'm working on it.

Another thing about psychologists is that they'll give you drugs.

I discussed with him how, quite often, in auditions I'll let the old anxieties run roughshod over my intentions. I'll intend to do this, but instead I'll get muddled and thrown, and end up doing that, thereby blowing the audition. Not horribly, mind you. I have successfully self-treated a lot of my anxieties in such situations by myself over the years, but it's still an issue, as it is for a LOT of actors.
The shrink asked me if I ever heard of "beta-blockers".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_blocker#Anxiety_and_performance_enhancement
I said yeah, but I should be able to deal with this BY MYSELF, and not rely on a pill!(Ignoring my YEARS taking various herbal and homeopathic remedies).
He said that loads of actors and performer-types use them. A low dose before a important audition would stop the hand-shaking and nervous-voice, lower the heart rate a bit, and not block out the emotions. He claims they don't stone you out, and are not addictive.

So now I have a bottle of little pills that I'm feeling some resistance to taking. It DOES feel like cheating. "The power is in you, Dumbo!", and all that. I've come so far doing it by myself.

But when I have a cold, and snot is pouring out of my nose, don't I take a cold medication? Shouldn't I be able to stop the snot-flow by myself? Of course not! The cold-med just...makes life easier.

I'm gonna try one....but "recreationally" first. Just to see HOW it makes me feel. A LOW dose.
But not tomorrow, or the next day. I have auditions. and I don't want to find out that they make me stoned and stupid while I'm in front of the casting people.

Sigh.....I have worked hard at getting good at auditioning, but it's been a slooow process. Perhaps this would just pick it up a bit....

Opinions?