Don't feel like being linear about what's on my mind, so this will be stream of conscience...
-I really need to make some money. I want to take casting-director classes. REALLY want to travel. See my Aunt in England. Visit my cousin in Nashville. Put together demo-reel. Move into bigger place? Nah...this place is still working for me. MUST save cash.....hard to do, when I'm not experiencing any surplus income. Gotta make some money!
-Want to write and create something. To perform in? Yeah....wanna perform. Hate writing. Why? Fucking stupid bullshit inner critic telling me LOUDLY that what i'm writing is shit. This is IF I even have an idea of what to write. Have NO ideas.....yeah yeah yeah. Shut the fuck up and WRITE SOMETHING already! Whining bigbabyboohoo....
-What's that smell?
-Big old block that makes me not able to express myself honestly is creeping back. FUCK OFF big old block! I literally invision it as the monolith from 2001, magically appearing between me and who I'm trying to express myself to. Mashing up against my face. FUCK YOU, monolith. CARE TO STEP OUTSIDE?
-I REALLY have to take out the garbage.
-Must cut down on drinking. It's unleashing my inner frustrated asshole. Frustration? Fine. Asshole? Not good.
-What time are the roofers next door going to commence hammering tomorrow morning?
-Saw picture of myself taken at Easter. "I look thin!", I thought to myself. "I look good!". Then berated myself for being shallow. Tying self-worth to fuckability. Social pressures, industry pressures....etc. But, dammit. I don't want to get chubby again. Gotta admit it. Didn't feel right. Feel weirdly guilty feeling this way.
-Chubby Fuckability. Good name for a band.
-Maybe not.
- Why can't I stop nibbling the nails? Goddamn oral-fixation...
-"Maybe it's run its course?".....a question put to me today. How does one ever know? I guess you just know. Instinct. Listening to the old instincts. Listening intently. But relaxed listening, otherwise I'll blow shit up in my mind. Let's face it, I don't have a good history of knowing when something has run its course, but i don't want to book everytime there is a sign of trouble, with anything.
Balance.
-Christ, am I ever going to miss The Sopranos.
-Can't believe I've had a houseplant for an entire month and it isn't dead yet.
-Figuring out what you want is a life-long, ever-changing thing. I don't know what I'm going to want in 10 years. Or next week.
I'm just going to focus on now.
2 comments:
A lot of what you said spoke to me. Let's get together sometime in the near future and work on cooking up a play, hmm?
(re: my post about Baraka, and watching it with Ripley)
I really enjoyed trying to explain the guy that’s “walking zen” with the little bell, and bowl, and awesome hat. We talked a little about meditation, and I tried my best to explain to Rip that he (the monk, not Rip) rang the bell to remind himself to be in the moment, and not to think about anything else… Rip looked at me as if to say “Well, yeah…” and then asked “Then why does he need the bowl?”
“…”
Q: How does one explain zen to a preschooler?
A: How doesn’t one?
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